It’s amazing you know, I still remember 2007 and thinking how a big deal it was that I was going to be a teenager that year and now it’s already 10 years after. I’m on a very clear path to getting my shit together assuming nothing goes south, I have made amazing friends and have a wonderful family. Obviously I can only be thankful for all of these and I pray and hope I never mess this up.
2017, I still plan on my at least one post a month which I was able to keep with last year though I fear this year, it might be much harder to keep up but I’ll try my very best.
So to the gist of the post, it’s never to early to get deep, right? This could possibly be my best guest post yet, sorry Anitas. Someone I know who had an abortion sent this to me a while ago and I felt like it was only fair to share it. I obviously asked for her permission first and she really looks forward to your feedback be it good or bad. So without much ado:
It would have been today or at least plus or minus a week from today but the application made it known that November 1st was the day. I even got a tattoo on the day, I mean I just randomly got it but now, I have a special meaning only I would know for it.
I would have held you in my arms with tears in my eyes, probably of happiness and sadness and intense fear of the unknown. I would have had to pick a name for you, probably one starting with a C because I’m a narcissist like that. Let’s just say it would have been an extremely emotional day but the thing is, I just couldn’t and I’d add even if I wanted to but that’s the thing, I didn’t want to, at least not even yet.
Having you would have meant having him in my life forever, don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate him, I’d just rather I didn’t have anything tying us together. Having you would have meant having to be responsible and caring for another soul, I just wasn’t ready for that, hell I’m not even responsible enough for myself.
Having you would have meant 9 months of pure unadulterated disappointment from my parents everyday assuming they let me live in their house even, I couldn’t bear that, I probably am already enough of a disappointment, I couldn’t manage being an extra source of disdain. Having you would have meant I would probably had to rely on someone or some people for assistance, I promised myself I’d never have to do that after my parents. Having you would have meant messing up my timeline, I mean it already is but at least I can blame myself and others for it and not someone I ‘made’.
I realise all my reasons are mainly regarding myself and that’s the thing, I’m selfish, I still am and I don’t know when I’d be able to stop being selfish but I knew I couldn’t bring someone who would live in a world with a selfish mother. I hope you’re still waiting on me, I promise, I only need about 10 years and I’ll be ready to bring you into a world where you’d be proud of the person you’d call mother and she’d be more than ready for you.’
Sigh, for some reasons reading this always gets to me, what do you think?
I mean it’s not everyday we read from someone who had an abortion after said abortion. I obviously didn’t put her name to protect her privacy but I assure you, every comment will be seen by her and maybe, just maybe she’ll reply and even reveal herself.
Cheer to 2017 🤘✌