All posts by toboresbants

About toboresbants

Civil Engineer, 18 - 25, Smart, Funny ( I think), very openminded.

PRIDE! 🏳️‍🌈

PRIDE!

Happy Pride!!

As is customary around the world, June is the month where members of the LGBTQ+ get to celebrate their identity and embrace what makes them different from the rest. However, in 72 countries in the world in 2018, it is illegal for one to express their love because it goes against the norm and people cannot seem to wrap their heads around the fact that not everyone is the same and that people just want to be happy.

In accordance with my smashing the paradigm, I decided this post, I decided to share the stories of some people I met, how they came out or not came out, how they are living their authentic lives and how they strive to be the best version of themselves. With any hope, considering a good portion of my readers are in countries that are part of the 72, your minds will be slightly changed and you’ll come to see that, they are people too.

D – I am out to everyone. I got expelled from my first secondary school because word got out that I was a lesbian, a word I did not even understand or know the meaning of at that time, people would go out of their way to look for my trouble just to get a reaction off me. I changed schools and that didn’t really seem to make a difference, I was bullied and was troublesome, I was always the first person pointed to whenever there was trouble in school. I feel like high school can be likened to a country with the bullies the government. After high school, I decided to come out to everyone save my parents, my mum because I feel like she would be mad at me for not trusting her enough with such an important part of my life, I mean she probably already knows though but we just have not had the conversation. I mean you can’t out someone who was not in the closet. The internet brought about a lot of bullying but luckily I was good at ‘clap backs’, I feel like you can never really be completely out as you have to share that truth about yourself with each new person you meet. With homophobia, I am lucky enough because I am femme and have a ‘green card’ i.e. I pass a stereotypical straight woman, but the issue with that is I also get hit on by men who I have no interest in and they tend to think they can somehow ‘change’ me, even lesbians sometimes doubt that I really am a lesbian which sucks. I got a tattoo which pretty much signifies my sexuality in a very visible part of my body. I am an activist, it started with hosting LGBTQ+ parties in my country, Kenya which always sold out to now trying to fight for rights the only way possible but challenging laws that are detrimental to us.

C – I’m not out to everyone, just people I really care about and for me, that is enough. I came out to them because I was tired of having to lie, the first time I hooked up with someone of the same sex, I was so discreet you’d think I was seeing a married person. Since I have been out, my confidence has skyrocketed, it helps because I can stand against the homophobes in my country, Nigeria and defend members of the LGBTQ+ without being scared and knowing I am very okay. I don’t hide myself, I’m pretty much a unicorn on the streets of Lagos, it is risky but I am lucky to be privileged enough to avoid people who are ignorant and in the instances, I meet people who aren’t, I am usually surrounded by allies ready to defend me. I think surrounding yourself with people who know and love you regardless of your sexuality is one of the best types of self-care ever.

K – It is not easy being queer in Nigeria, defying the norms of what a woman or man should be. Coming out to myself was a struggle, I had always known I was gay but due to the blatant homophobia in the country, it is considered a sin. I went to churches for deliverance in a bid to get cured of my ‘sickness’ as they would say. I prayed, fasted and tortured myself if my thoughts ever strayed from what was expected of me, it was truly a dark period in my life. Eventually, I got into university and I met others like me and realised I was perfectly fine and that was how my journey of self-acceptance started. Now, the majority of my friends are queer, I do have a few straight friends who know I am gay, my parents do not know yet and I haven’t decided if I will ever tell them. Queer expression in Nigeria comes with heavy circumstances, best case you get outed and blackmailed by the police, worst case, you get lynched and burnt to death. We try to find safe spaces for ourselves, we organize underground parties, clandestine hookups, etc. Daily you are faced with the possibility of being killed which is why most queer people battle with depression. Healing, however, comes from finding communities that you can rely on, people of your kind, dare I say, it is the balm to the sore that is this stupid country. We are here. We are queer. And we are proud. Wetin man go do?

E – I ignore a whole lot of things people say, that’s the only way to be fully happy here. I’m not out to everyone except people I think are openminded and I don’t think everyone deserves to know my truth. With expression, I am pretty much me, I like what I like and I go for it and if it doesn’t work out, I let it go. I would like to come out but I don’t think my parents will ever get over it and I would hate to hurt them.

N – I was raised by very strict parents, they instilled the very Nigerian principles that as a girl child I was to get an education, learn to cook and clean and raise a family of my own as soon as I was done with my education. Inside I felt different, I was never attracted to boys like all my friends, I wasn’t interested in the typical feminine things. I wanted to play football, ride a bike, watch the news, wear my hair short and run around in shorts or trousers. Things typically associated with the boy child. My attraction for girls spiked as I approached my teens. I felt scared about it, I thought am I cursed? Why am I so different? My first intimate experience liberated me (it was just a kiss and I was about 12). It taught me that I wasn’t alone, that I had kindred spirits around the world. The way I express myself varies daily, some days I feel comfortable with shorts and no makeup and on other days I feel like wearing a smashing gown with heels and make up. I express myself how I feel. I don’t box myself as a tomboy or a stud. I just like being me. I live in one of the most homophobic societies in the world. Many people do not understand and are unwilling to understand the concept of being gay. They often hide under the cloak of religion. It’s pointless trying to convince them. So, I mind my business and live my life as best as I can. I honestly have never faced homophobia personally but I have been in places where people make vile and disgusting remarks about homosexuals. My reaction was initially anger but now I feel pity for them. Their unwillingness to open their minds is to their detriment not mine. My two cents to all LGBTQ people, find financial independence. That’s the only escape from many of the terrible situations many are in. Get an education, get a skill and work hard at it till it pays off. Learn financial disciple and let’s break the cycle that we are no good.

A – Nigerians can be very stupid and hypocritical, I tend to dress masculine despite being female and I usually get positive feedback or at least they don’t care, but if a guy does the same, he would be shamed and could possibly experience violence as a result. People usually don’t want to understand when I come out to them, they think it is because I have never been with a guy or that I need prayers or I just need to meet someone who will ‘change’ me, all these are crazy because the people who say these are people I am close to. I am not out to my family though; my siblings are probably suspicious. I will however never come out to my parents, they are very conservative and religious, evangelical pastors, they would literally send me for deliverance or to a nunnery because I am clearly possessed by an evil spirit and want to ruin their name so you can imagine what I am going through trying to hide this especially while living in a country that literally wants to kill me. I am very open about myself though, and if we are being stereotypical, I fit the queer box. I assume people who are homophobic are simply ignorant and overly religious people who cherrypick the bible and decide what they want to be furious about. I usually don’t experience blatant homophobia because I am cute and luckily people don’t see me and assume anything bad, however, while working down the streets, I still have people come up to me and try to guess my gender which really isn’t the safest thing that can happen to a queer person, I usually just laugh because I know they simply cannot mind their business. It is fucking hard being queer in Nigeria

E – I have always known I was gay while growing up, it felt wrong and I simply thought I was going to burn in hell for even thinking of girls in a certain way. After university, I met a girl and we started ‘talking’ and then it hit me, I had never felt the way I did with her towards anyone of the opposite sex. I came out to my cousin first, she wasn’t surprised and then to a few of my friends and one of my brothers, most of the people I am out to have been very supportive. I don’t think I will ever come out to my parents though, they will never understand. With experiencing homophobia, I really don’t know how to answer that, I just stay true to myself and shut them out. People see me and think ‘gay’ because I am a stereotype but I am in a country where being gay earns you 14 years in jail so I am not ready to be out to the world just yet but I am proud of who I am that’s for sure. I am happily and proudly living my truth, I am grateful to have met the most amazing woman who I can proudly say I am in love with. I really wish I could come out to my parents but I am not ready to see the look of disappointment in their eyes just yet.

Y – I think being gay is a minute part of my life so I do not feel like everyone should have access to it, especially in a country filled with homophobic people. Most of my friends know about my sexuality because I feel like I can trust them even with a minute part of me. It is easy to know that I am not completely straight, however, I live my life the way I want to and dress however I please. Dealing with homophobia as a gay man is not the easiest thing because it can easily escalate to a life or death situation but I try to rebuke the people making the vile statements or I walk away, it all depends on the situation.

W – I am out to the closest people in my life, family excluded, I am very scared because I feel like who I am will be snatched away from me but at the same time, I feel like I might have always embraced myself completely. You see, my family is a big name in Sudan and the country and the culture mostly follow sharia laws, women are seen as beings of honour and whatever a girl does to bring about ‘shame’ to her family can be remedied by mercy killing. Chances are if my father ever found out, he would kill me himself, my mother, on the other hand, would blame herself and my family are my everything so it would almost be impossible to ever come out to them. I have always had to hide who I am from my parents and that hurts because they will never meet the real me. I am currently not in my home country so I am vocal against homophobia, however, in my home country, you can only say something slightly in hopes I am not suspected. Coming out to myself has been so liberating, I discover different feelings I wasn’t sure existed and I can only hope that one day, people would perhaps not be as hateful and let people live.

V – I am not out and speaking from my current state of my mind, I will likely never come out and it is for the simple reason that it would hurt my family and when I think of it, I don’t care enough to want to come out. I mean what exactly do I stand to gain by coming out? Mostly in a country that is as hypocritical and homophobic as Nigeria? I love my life and want to live it in relative peace and quiet. It’s already hard enough being a masculine-presenting woman, confirming what happens to be none of their business (Nigerians I mean) is just stress that I am uninterested in. Meanwhile, my closest friends know. Somebody with a big mouth read my messages and told them. You see why I don’t like Nigerians? I never quite experience homophobia as I am a homebody but when I do, I am quick to tell them to fuck right off.

Z – I am what you would call a gold star lesbian. I am out to everyone not by choice though, about 3 years ago I was outed by my then girlfriend to my family, at the time, I ran out of the house because I feared my family’s reaction, my family is intense Christians, like prayers every morning type Christians. Going back home, at first, my dad hugged me because he was worried as I had been away for so long and told me I was his child and said he loved me still but assured me that he would pray for my conversion. I moved to England and that’s when the other shoe dropped, I had curfews, no money and eventually, I became homeless and depressed and my family stopped speaking to me. I didn’t come out, I was pushed out, face down ass up, I felt like my entire world was coming apart, I lost my friends, family, and education, everything. I would not always I have experienced homophobia myself, however, I am very androgynous, I get confused stares from people wondering what exactly I am, I am stubborn so I usually stare back. I have however had someone try to start a fight simply because I was a lesbian, during this time I stood my ground. I am essentially a stereotype, I am obvious, dare I say, a unicorn. I have come to the realisation that my life is mine and it’s all about me if I die today, what I leave behind is my legacy so the only thing that matters to me is to use my time in hopes that I am remembered the way I want to and who I am.

With all the stories that have been shared, the commonality is the fact that no one wants to hurt their parents, everyone simply wants to be happy. I heard somewhere, ‘only a mad person would be willing to go through what you do if they didn’t completely have to’, I’m paraphrasing but essentially, if members of the LGBTQ+ didn’t believe they had to be themselves completely, no one would willingly go through the hassle and sometimes near-death experiences they do. A whole lot of things cannot be explained and that fine, we don’t have to understand them, we just must accept that some people are not like us and that is fine. I can only hope for a time where no one had to even come out and that everyone lived in harmony because what really is a life where you cannot be yourself?

To read more stories shared in the most beautiful way, check out She called me woman .

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Crossroads ☹ 🌈

As per usual, I obviously have a post for the ‘first month’ of the year. I know it’s coming on the first day of the second month but better late than never, right?

This story is purely fictional and any names used are very coincidental 🙂

It’s finally happening! You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this day, we’ve been talking for over 3 months now, I have facetimed with her just so I’m sure she’s a ‘her’, if you get my drift, but alas, three days till I meet the potential love of my life.

You see, I’ve been back in Abuja for over a year now and I have been on safety and self inflicted celibacy. I haven’t lived in Nigeria in over 15 years, I’ve visited long enough to know ‘my kind’ isn’t particularly accepted here thus my celibacy. But considering how active I was when I wasn’t in the country, there is only so long I can be celibate for. So back to the love of my life, her name is Zee, we met online as one does, she’s about 3 years older than I am. She’s amazing and 100% my ‘spec’. All things considered, one would wonder why it’s taken so long for us to meet up, well Nigeria is why.

Anyway, today is the day, we are going to have a meal at a restaurant we’ve both wanted to visit and we’re both pretty sure the servers are ‘liberal’ so two women eating together shouldn’t be a big deal. I’ve decided to dress a tad more feminine so I don’t seem obvious, I plan on having an amazing time and if I have to wear heels to appease people, I will. We arrived at almost the same time, the meal was amazing, we talked and everything seemed even better. We decided to go back to hers, I live with family and she lives alone, or at least that’s what I thought….

Everything seems to be going as I imagined it, she looks incredible, I know I shouldn’t be concerned about the ‘physical’, but damn, I had to give some sort of props to how good she looks. I’m more ‘dom’ appearing but I’m ridiculously shy and would never make the first move, I think she figured that out. She made the first move, going months without any action, that totally ignited something in me. I took over. She was perfect or maybe I was just horny. We started making out and I felt at ease, we were in the living room of her house, she stayed in a pretty decent neighbourhood from what I could remember as she drove, I was pretty sure I’d be safe.

I heard a sound and pulled back, didn’t see anything but suggested that we went to her room and she obliged. She said she had to arrange the room quickly and though I told her I didn’t mind, she insisted. I waited in the living room looking around and noticed a picture she was in, there was a man with her and the pose didn’t seem very friendly or familial. I suddenly felt the urge to leave, I didn’t want any stress and I’d heard about situations like this, I mean I had done worse but not in Nigeria, I wasn’t about to do anything with anybody’s wife. I wore my shirt properly and adjusted my clothing and started towards the front door, I still remembered where that was. I tried turning the handle but it didn’t bulge, I looked for the key and didn’t see It, I started panicking a bit trying the handle again and again and felt a slight prick then suddenly felt a rush and not in a good way.

I woke up in her room I assume, there was a man standing over me pulling up his boxers, I was obviously fucking scared, I realised I wasn’t wearing any underwear and that my bra was undone, I looked to the corner of the room and found her sitting, crying and rocking herself. It took me a while to figure out what had most likely happened. I didn’t sit up fast enough before I puked. I was thoroughly disgusted and felt violated as I had so clearly been.

I wasn’t sure how to react, I didn’t know if he had a weapon, I didn’t drive, she had asked me not to, I slowly stood up, using the bed sheet to clean the puke, the man who was now dressed stood watching me and laughing. That got me so mad, I shouted at him, ‘ what the fuck did you do to me??’, his response which he basically laughed out only made me angrier, ‘ what do you think?’, I really wasn’t sure how to react so I did what came naturally to me, i charged at him, hitting his chest with my hands clenched but I was little and he was big and he just kept on laughing. I was furious and I really didn’t know what to do so I looked to Zee and she just mouthed, ‘ I’m sorry, I really am’. At this point, I knew my only justice was going to come from the police, so I shouted, ‘ you’re going to fucking rot in jail’, he kept laughing and said ‘ and how exactly are you going to explain making out with my wife and all the messages I have saved from both of your conversations’, at that point I really didn’t understand why he remained so calm, so I got dressed as fast I could, found my bag and looked through my phone to order an uber home. Zee finally looked up and asked if she could drop me home, I really wanted to get her alone and possibly rip her apart so I agreed.

I walked out of the room and wasn’t even sure where I was going so I waited for her just outside the door, she came out and led the way to her car. I sat in the car and stared at her, waiting to hear whatever she had to say, she looked almost as distraught as I did but last I checked I was the one who was violated so I didn’t care about her feelings. She opened her mouth and started, ‘I’m really sorry, this really wasn’t the plan, I had no idea how real you really were, that’s why I left you in the living room, I went to call it off.’ I still wondered what was going on so I kept quiet still staring and when she realised I wasn’t going to say anything she carried on talking till she dropped me off.

Apparently, it’s a thing they do. Zee talks to random girls on the internet, brings them home and then her husband, Mark drugs them and rapes them. They can’t report to the police cause they risk 14 years in jail but then again they are violated and will probably live with that forever.

I am now one of their victims and I honestly have no idea what to do. I mean I know people who I could talk to, spoken to my bestfriends already but there’s only so much aid they can give. I’m torn between not talking and ‘saving’ myself but risking other victims and reporting to the police, risk going to jail but potential stopping a serial rapist.

What do I do, what would you do?

Putting ‘Homo’ in Homosapien 👭👬🌈

Hello 👋

I know it’s been a while, I actually don’t even have any worthwhile excuse, I’m done with my masters though 💃. Today’s post is something I’ve always wanted to write about but didn’t for fear of the responses but mans grown now and can take the comments so be sure to leave some 😊.

Life is fun when you can be you. Life is great when you can be free. Freedom comes in various shapes and sizes. It means different things to different people and this is a story of how a certain person got theirs….

In 2015 when President Obama and the federal courts declared gay marriage legal in America, I watched it on CNN with my mother sitting beside me. I couldn’t be happy for so many reasons, one was the fact that my mother was sitting beside me and would wonder why or maybe confirm her biggest fear and the another was that in the country I lived in, homosexuality was criminalised just over a year before.

My name is Alex and I am a 26 year old homosexual living in Nigeria.

I was born this way, that’s what I like to say and it had to be true, I had dated people of the opposite gender before, hell even had a whole hoe phase, neither ever seemed to get me off and I never wanted anything more with any of them. When I was younger, much younger, I had my first experience with someone of the same gender, I was a child, it’s believed that we all ‘experiment’, for me however, it was always much more. I always wanted to be the the typical opposite gender whenever we played games, I know, gender roles, but it was what I thought I was best at. I attended a Catholic high school with everyone the same sex, very stereotypical, I know, there, I was basically in love with my bestfriend though I had no idea then and when we stopped being best friends, it entirely broke me. That was my first heartbreak and dare I say, as I told myself then, my last.

I was very much closeted, I mean, you couldn’t walk down the street in Lagos without at least one man telling you about how his pastor told him you were the one or how he had a dream about you, or how a woman was certain you were hers, the weeks didn’t go by without hearing about how a woman had been gangraped in a bid to ‘cure’ her or how a man had been beaten to death cause he was behaving very effeminate. I had to survive, the church I’d attended all my life said I was going to burn in hell if I was with another consenting adult of the same sex, so I remained very much in the closet, telling absolutely no one, hell I didn’t even tell myself.

It took a while for me to accept that I was the way I was. The media probably helped me, having friends who knew I was different in a way they didn’t understand but couldn’t care less about the difference helped as well. In my adult life, my first proper experience with someone of the same gender confirmed all my fears, I was hella gay, not half, not unsure but completely gay. I was lucky not to be in Nigeria during this period, cause boy did I really ‘hoe’. I also got into my first proper emotional relationship and I knew everything was right because of how I felt. It didn’t last too long but we remained friends.

I am currently not in Nigeria, I couldn’t take it. I was fortunate enough to not have my university education in the country, my time spent during holidays was enough to let me know I wouldn’t be able to cope with the outright homophobia and discrimination that were met with no legal ramifications. I got a job in the country I did my university education in and have now successfully gotten my residency.

I still visit, I mean my parents live there, family is there, I’m not out to my parents, I know they know though, they stopped asking about marriage when they came to visit and met my ‘roommate’. I can hold my partner’s hands and even kiss them on the streets and in the club without being sneered at. I am free, I am happy.

This is a fictional tale but culled from different peoples’ lives. I tried to make it genderless as it is the tale of so many people, male and female. It’s interesting that there’s still a country people can’t live in because they would be attacked for loving someone of the same gender. I know it’s a long shot but I long for the day homosexuality is just a sexual identity and not a reason for spending 14 years in prison. I mean Nigeria is a country and not a religious house in the end.

I would love comments on this and I look forward to them.

Who am I first? 

Hello guys,

I told you I’d be back soon. Working on my dissertation now, all 20000 + or – 10%, knowing myself, it’ll probably be -10%, lol. So today, I want to talk about something that has played in my mind for a very long time

Am I a woman or am I black first?

I’m a double minority, probably triple if you consider other things. But two things that one would describe me as is black and female. This has been something on my mind for a very long time. When you belong to two groups that are seen as ‘less than’, you begin to wonder why other members of the group don’t come together to work.

I am a woman. My genitalia says so, my brain tells me so as well. Being a woman in 2017 means you’re either seen as complicit if you are not a feminist or seen as ungrateful if you are one. There’s really no winning. Being a woman in 2017 means, though you’re working in your engineering field, or as the governor of a state, your fashion sense will still be looked on sometimes before your policies. Being a woman in 2017 means,  you can’t even happily say you want to be a stay at home mum for fear of being ridiculed. As a feminist, a proud one dare I say, I believe in equality of the sexes and in women willing and being able to make their own choices, the outcome of said choice is unknown to me and I really don’t care as long as we as women stop looking down on others for whatever decision they take in their own life. In the end, isn’t that what we are fighting for? 

And then, you flip the script and take a look at the other side of me, the black side. The perk of this is, in my home country, I’m just a good old regular female person and that’s it. However, I currently am not in said home country and I wonder sometimes, why can’t I still be the same good old regular female person? I mean, yes my skin is darker, my hair is ‘puffier’, but surely one should be able to see that’s really the only difference. Yes, there are black people who do messed up shit but there are also white and Asian folks who do that as well. Why should one person’s persona be extended to the rest of a race? What irks the most is when black people who have experienced prejudice, take it a step further and then exert the same sort of diminished reserve for women and queer folk of all races. One would think or assume, we would all come together and work for the greater good.

I’ve had a long think, for as I know and I think I’ve finally come to a conclusion, I am both, very much so but first, I am a woman because even when I am in my home country, that’s still a part of me that’s sadly looked down upon in some settings. 

What do you think? Do you consider your race or gender first?

Dear Daddy

Hello guys,

I know it seems like I was away again but I assure you I did have something last month. Last month I did a guest post here. You should check it out. I was also writing my final exams which I’m done with now 💃, so I couldn’t quite release two posts. Right now, I just have my dissertation left and I’ll officially be a masters graduate 🤓. 

So it’s father’s day tomorrow and I thought, what better way to celebrate than to tell the whole world what my daddy means to me.

You know the myth of the first daughter being really close to her father, well my relationship with mine defies that as its no myth. I have always been a daddy’s girl, one who always wanted first to make her daddy proud before anyone else. I always did my best and when I didn’t, the first person’s feelings I thought about was my dad’s.

He has always been there for me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve probably said this to all my friends but I’ll never forget when he came for my interhousesport event in primary school, he ran for the father’s race, fell and still managed to win. My father was one who motivated me to be way better and never give up. He always indulged my wants and needs, I remember always having ridiculously long lists of books for my school’s bookfair and he always made sure I got every single book on the list. 

My father who is an excellent cook is probably the sort of guy who doesn’t even know he’s a feminist.  He expects the same impeccable results from all his children. Sometime last year when he found out my brother couldn’t make stew,  his expression said it all. He’s one who expects all his children to excel and survive regardless of gender.

When I was younger, I was ‘scared’ of him as probably every Nigerian child is of their father but as I grew older, I found out we had so much in common,  we had almost the same beliefs and turned out we could have proper lengthy conversations that I genuinely cherish and love. Oh and if you ever wondered where I got my writing skills from or my love for sleep, look no further, I got them all from my dad.

My daddy is someone I know I can always rely on and I hope one day, I become someone he can rely on. 

So here’s to the world’s best father, from your daughter, Happy Father’s day daddy ❤
I will without a doubt post more regularly and perhaps more than one and month, and I think I’m finally ready to delve into Nigeria’s political scene so be sure to subscribe ✌

The Best Ships are Friendships

Hey guys, 

This post is dedicated to my friends, new ones, day ones, ones I don’t talk to, friends who are now family and the family who are now friends, lovers turned friends and friends turned lovers. If we were ever friends, please read 😊. 

We’re a third into the ‘new’ year! This year has been exciting so far.  I’ve gone through an entire whirlpool of emotions and it’s just been 4 months. Less than 5 months till I’m done with my masters 💃.
For a very long part of my life, I relied on my friends for almost everything,  advice, decision making, if I was ready to date, what classes I should take, the list goes on.I went through different phases in my life. 
To my friends who made me feel ‘among’ in primary school, made sure I was one of the ‘cool’ kids, the ones who defended me and possibly lied for me so I wouldn’t get into trouble, the ones I missed lessons with just cause we were having fun at a friend’s house, the ones who made sure my name was not on the list of noisemakers, the one who let me stay at hers for a whole school session cause my house was far, this list could go on but I’ll stop there.

In Secondary school, I was such a chicken, I honestly still am. I needed friends to help me be better, friends who helped me find myself, people who protected me from ‘evil’ seniors, people who didn’t mind helping me out even though it meant their mates might not like them as much, friends who always ‘kept space’ for me and made sure I was after them and sometimes ‘rotated’ even, the one friend that made me build a thicker skin cause of how much I cried, the friend I hated and eventually became bestfriends with, this list, once again could go on forever.

In university (both), I was let to be my truest self without any rules, of course I needed friends who saw me for who I was without any judgement, friends who I trusted enough to get wasted with and threw parties with, friends who accepted every version of me, dealt and didn’t mind my stupid mood swings, friends who let me stay in their houses when my stupid student accommodation made me move out during breaks, same friends who cooked for me cause I was (am) a lazy twat, friends who I went on trips with, the one friend I got tattoos with, friends who trusted me with their deepest secrets, the one who knows everything, this list would genuinely never stop if I carried on.

And of course, the friends I made from NYSC, the ones from BHC, the ones from work or the ones made by just existing in space, the ones who protected me from the people who would cheat me cause I was a ‘JJC’, the one who is family but is now one of my bestfriends, the one who helped me during the possibly worst part of my life, the friends who are basically my family now and many more.

We all need friends, no matter how ‘hard’ we think we are. We need someone to be there every once in a while, to listen to our banter when we’re tired of talking to ourselves and would rather someone other than ourselves give a response and of course someone to protect us, not only physically but emotionally as well. 

To all my friends, especially those that fall in any of the catergories above, you have no idea how grateful I am that you were there at those points in my life,  no matter how estranged we might be, I will alway be there to help and be that friend to the fullest of my abilities.

Oh by the way, I’m 23 on the 24th 👩-> 👵

I know how corny the title is 🙈

I have a March post, it’s here.

The Rules of Society 

Men are required not to be emotional and to be the leaders by all means and that is probably why research has shown though women are more likely to get depressed, more men commit suicide ( 3.5 to 1). The men don’t want to seem weak by talking about their problems thus wallowing in it till the worst happens. Women are required by ‘society’ to not drink excessively, to dress ‘modestly’ and not to walk alone amongst others but research shows, 7.5 of every 10 women that has been raped, has been raped by someone they actually know as opposed to some stranger lurking in an alley. Society tries it’s best to lead people aright but in the end, it sometimes gives limitations on what can happen or should happen.

The situation below shows an example of how society sees things that are maybe not conventional.


‘Julie met Tom just after submitting her final project at university. They hit it off almost immediately. Tom was going to be entering his final year the next semester and Julie had just gotten her dream job in the same city so there was nothing holding them back from the relationship. Time went on and they got married. While Julie was working at her dream job and getting pay rises pretty regularly, Tom felt he had a shitty job and the pay didn’t exactly help how he felt about the job.

Julie got pregnant and subsequently had the baby. Now this child needed constant care due to health problems, they couldn’t afford a nanny just yet and felt one of them had to quit their job to be a full time stay at home parent. They had neither considered that an option or even had a talk about it before but now they had to decide and decide as soon as they could.

As expected, Tom knowing the most logical option, quit his job and became a full time ‘dad’. A lot of friends and family frowned upon this decision despite knowing the state of the family’s finances and who best it was to make things better all because Tom was the man and was expected to be the provider and not the nurturer.’



‘ Men are not meant to be emotional’

‘ Women are meant to be nurturing’

‘ Girls should not walk in dark alleys’

‘ Boys will be boys’


These are a few things ‘society’ has told us to do. We may act according to how we are expected to act but how about the way we really want to act? Men not being able to talk about their greatest issues because it’s not masculine to be emotional. A woman decides she does not want  marriage, has a very good job and perhaps a dog and is leaving a very happy life but she still gets sympathisers assuming she’s leaving a sad life because she isn’t married.


In recent times, we’ve come to the realisation that ‘society’ is really the cause of our worries. But then, we may ask ourselves, who really is society and how did they come around making the rules? Well, as much as it might be a shocker, WE are society. The people who occupy the world, we make our rules by looking down at a young boy who cries when he’s hurt or frowning at a girl who is into cars more than she is cooking or dolls. We make the rules even when we don’t realise it.


Now of course the rules of society are not all bad, hell without society, the world might be messed up but in the end, shouldn’t we leave in the type of world where judgment is left for only the Supreme Beings we believe in?


That’s just my two cents on society though, what do you think?

First of 2017 (Guest Post)

It’s 2017!!!!! 

It’s amazing you know, I still remember 2007 and thinking how a big deal it was that I was going to be a teenager that year and now it’s already 10 years after. I’m on a very clear path to getting my shit together assuming nothing goes south, I have made amazing friends and have a wonderful family. Obviously I can only be thankful for all of these and I pray and hope I never mess this up. 

2017, I still plan on my at least one post a month which I was able to keep with last year though I fear this year, it might be much harder to keep up but I’ll try my very best. 

So to the gist of the post, it’s never to early to get deep, right? This could possibly be my best guest post yet, sorry Anitas. Someone I know who had an abortion sent this to me a while ago and I felt like it was only fair to share it. I obviously asked for her permission first and she really looks forward to your feedback be it good or bad. So without much ado:


‘The Promise

It would have been today or at least plus or minus a week from today but the application made it known that November 1st was the day. I even got a tattoo on the day, I mean I just randomly got it but now, I have a special meaning only I would know for it.

I would have held you in my arms with tears in my eyes, probably of happiness and sadness and intense fear of the unknown. I would have had to pick a name for you, probably one starting with a C because I’m a narcissist like that. Let’s just say it would have been an extremely emotional day but the thing is, I just couldn’t and I’d add even if I wanted to but that’s the thing, I didn’t want to, at least not even yet.

Having you would have meant having him in my life forever, don’t get me wrong,  I don’t hate him, I’d just rather I didn’t have anything tying us together. Having you would have meant having to be responsible and caring for another soul, I just wasn’t ready for that, hell I’m not even responsible enough for myself. 

Having you would have meant 9 months of pure unadulterated disappointment from my parents everyday assuming they let me live in their house even, I couldn’t bear that, I probably am already enough of a disappointment,  I couldn’t manage being an extra source of disdain. Having you would have meant I would probably had to rely on someone or some people for assistance, I promised myself I’d never have to do that after my parents. Having you would have meant messing up my timeline,  I mean it already is but at least I can blame myself and others for it and not someone I ‘made’.

I realise all my reasons are mainly regarding myself and that’s the thing, I’m selfish, I still am and I don’t know when I’d be able to stop being selfish but I knew I couldn’t bring someone who would live in a world with a selfish mother. I hope you’re still waiting on me, I promise, I only need about 10 years and I’ll be ready to bring you into a world where you’d be proud of the person you’d call mother and she’d be more than ready for you.’

Sigh, for some reasons reading this always gets to me, what do you think? 

I mean it’s not everyday we read from someone who had an abortion after said abortion. I obviously didn’t put her name to protect her privacy but I assure you, every comment will be seen by her and maybe, just maybe she’ll reply and even reveal herself. 

Cheer to 2017 🤘✌

5 lessons from 2016 with the Brownie herself!  

Hey guys,

So we are gradually coming to the end of another year, 2016. Literally 12days to go. I remember beginning of the year, I said this year had to fucking turn up for me. 2015 was very meh,  too many disappointments. 2016 however started with almost the same meh feeling but it quickly picked up. This year I learnt a lot, saw a lot of my personal boundaries pushed, hell this year probably brought out the worst in me, it showed me I truly had no limits when I wanted something. Now that could be seen as good or bad, but I’m going to go with good. 

This is a a collaboration so if you go to my friend, Annabel‘s page or her youtube channel, ‘Brownie Bits’, you will find her list of 5 things as well. 

Without much ado, I will plunge into what my 2016 thought me;

  • I truly go for what I want. You know how people say ‘keep trying until you can literally try no more’? Well I did just that, too many things had been coming up, stopping me from starting my masters and as they say, 3rd time’s the charm, well it was for me and what made it even better was that this time, I got the exact course I wanted and now I’m preparing to write my first semester exams.
  • In 2016, I think I learnt how to rely on myself a little too much. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and family to death,almost literally even, lol. 2016 however helped me navigate through life alone without relying desperately on what anyone thought. I used to be so reliant on them, making absolutely no decision without at least one person agreeing with me.I did make stupid decisions though but at least I knew, this time,  I had no one but myself to blame.
  • This year, I pushed my limits. Now the way I did this wasn’t particularly the best way but it showed me I was willing to go past my imaginary line when I needed to.
  • This year, I learnt that fighting or writing about stuff you believe in isn’t always the  easiest thing to do but that doesn’t mean you give up. I mean the suffragette didn’t get female voting  rights by hoping luck or without being beaten.In the  same light, true equality amongst genders is something I’ve really gotten into and decided I am ready for anything as long as it means the goal will be achieved.
  • I learnt no matter how much you empathise with someone about something,  you’ll never truly understand what it is they’re going through until you experience it yourself. This ranges from being poor to being a member of the lgbt to being a woman or having an abortion. There are same many things in life, different people with different stuff happening to them and really and truly, except you happen to be one of the group, chances are, you will never really understand and you know what,  that’s perfectly fine.

    Obviously the most important thing, which I learn every year that goes by is the need to continue being my truest self no matter what the consequences might be because in the end, there can only be one you.
    Merry Christmas guys x

    11/09 

    Hey guys, 

    It’s interesting how hurt I am right now. Not only did Hilary lose the election, but Trump actually won it and oh, some idiots actually voted Harambe, a dead gorilla. 

    I am not American and neither have I schooled or visited the  nation but even I know how this is going to affect the world . I listened to a podcast not so long ago, ‘ Revisionist History by Malcom Gladwell’and a particular episode, ‘ The Lady Vanishes’. This episode basically talked about how just when we think everything is progressing on, people think progress is enough and then decide to move backwards.  Take a look at Australia, their only female prime minister was unseat by a man who was openly sexist towards her and women in general. This is exactly what happened with Hilary. We had a woman qualified and experienced and then she even went ahead to be the first female candidate representing a major party in America, of course the white males believed they had had enough. I mean they let a woman represent a party, why on earth should they have to actually elect her as president? and therein lies the problem.

    I took a look at the polls and it showed, the percentage of white males that voted for Trump was ridiculously high and worse still, the percentage of white women who voted for Trump was way too high. I mean this is someone who has no problem talking about kissing random beautiful women without their consent, has said a list of degrading things towards women and had – I say had because I presume the cases would be dropped cause ‘Mr President’ –  potential sexual assault cases against him. It hurts because for some reasons people still thought despite that he was a better candidate. I’m not saying Hilary was perfect, she did have her issues but then again, don’t we all? Someone said, ‘.. a little over 10years ago, she was against gay marriage’, well wouldn’t you rather someone who was for it now? Someone who has progressed?

    Its important that women who voted Trump need to know that they basically said they didn’t mind sexual harassment or being seen as lesser than the opposite sex  or being forced to carry a pregnancy which could probably result in a stillbirth and I believe even worse so, they didn’t mind their daughters or sons learning that being a bully was going to bring good tidings, amongst a host of other things.

    I hope and pray and almost believe he’s not going to do most of the things he used as vote baits for to get the uneducated and racists and sexist and bigots but then again, this has given those with hatred and bigotry in their dna a  reason to find out just how much they can get away with. 

    It’s clear America wasn’t ready for a female President or better still a very progressive one just after a black president. I do hope Hilary is doing well because I know if I were her, I would be so petty and I doubt I’d even call to congratulate him.

    To all the women who have ever lost a position to someone way beneath them in experience and knowledge, you are not alone and perhaps one day, all these would just be things that happened in the past. 

    Please leave your comments and share, and thank you for reading ✌